What do we say to our children as we send them back to class after a school shooting? In this guest blog, Dr. Karen Cassiday of The Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago offers advice on helping kids cope with the fear and uncertainty around these terrifying ordeals.
What do you say to your child when they hear about a school shooting?
How do you respond when your child asks you the big question, “How do you know that my school will be safe?”
How do you handle your own anxiety about the tragedy of school shootings?
Your answers to these questions, and others like them, have the potential to either help your child improve their mental health or increase their anxiety and worry.
I know you want to be the parent who promotes resilience in the face of adversity, so here is what science has to say about how to handle discussions about tragedies, such as the recent Michigan school shooting.
First, recognize that your fear of uncertainty is what makes you worry when you hear bad news.
Practically speaking, none of us can guarantee a risk-free, happy future for our children, no matter how hard we try. Tragedies, such as school shootings remind us that part of being human is to live in a world that includes suffering and tragedy, and no one gets a free pass from random awful events. This includes school shootings. There is no town, suburb, or rural hideaway that can protect your children from random violence, illness, or accidents.
Many parents falsely believe that when they move to a certain zip code or install certain security measures that they are buying security. This is false. When we accidentally act as though life really should be risk-free and perfectly managed, then we set up our children for unhelpful expectations. Our children accidentally learn to believe that goodness and avoidance of tragedy and suffering is their entitlement. This mindset has been shown to create emotional fragility and brittleness that increases the odds of anxiety disorders and mood disorders.
So, redefine the problem of hearing about school shootings and other tragedies as an opportunity to teach your child about accepting and tolerating the inevitable uncertainty of growing up human. It’s easy for your child to learn to feel good and function well when things are going well. What is much harder is teaching them how to struggle and find meaning when life shows its ugly and tragic aspects.
This means that you must start by understanding that the human brain has a built-in preference for scary information. Media takes advantage of this by using alarming headlines. This bias is useful for avoiding real and present dangers but goes awry when we hear about other people’s danger. You need to teach yourself and your child that just because the news feels scary does not also mean that you, too, are in danger. Additionally, you should know that the likelihood of your child’s school experiencing a mass shooting is five thousand times less likely than dying in a car crash (odds of dying in a car crash are .00521 %, Rand Corp, 2021). If you are willing to let your child ride in a car or bus to school, then you must rationally accept that your child’s safety from a random mass school shooting is still in the good range of risks.
Here is how you can help.
- Acknowledge the facts of the situation and be factual about feelings. Name the emotions that your child feels, as well as your own. “Yes, this is really sad and makes you feel scared and angry. That is normal. I feel the same way too.” Don’t assume what your child feels or thinks. Be willing to ask them open-ended questions, “What do you think about the school shooting? How does it make you feel?” If your child does not want to talk about it, let them be quiet.
- If your child is worrying about school shootings, explain how uncertainty triggers worry, which is thinking about the worst things that can happen. Our bodies cannot recognize the difference between real and imagined danger. When we hear about a school shooting, it makes us feel uncertain about what might happen to us. Our mind tries to get rid of the uncertainty by only thinking about the worst thing that could happen because it makes us imagine we will feel safe if we can prepare for the worst thing. We try to reassure ourselves by trying to prevent the worst thing. Examples of reassurance seeking are trying to figure out how to keep school shooters away, placing armed police in the school, keeping the school doors locked all the time or buying a gun to arm yourself against a shooter. The problem with reassurance seeking is that it always backfires because reassurance seeking reinforces the scary feelings, thoughts and preparations so much that it seems even more likely the worst thing will happen.
- Explain that there is no reason to fear going to school. Tell them that going to school is still the safest place for them to be because the risk of a school shooting is still so tiny that math experts consider it to be the same as zero.
- Normalize uncertainty, random tragedy. and suffering for your child. Talk about it as though it is an expected part of life that could happen to anyone at any time. Acknowledge that no one can guess what will happen in their future and that the best way to handle this is to enjoy life now and to take lots of risks. Science shows us that those who take lots of risks and learn to embrace uncertainty end up being more resilient, more successful, and more joyful than people who play it safe. Kids need to take risks in order to acquire self-confidence and problem-solving skills.
- Avoid saying that you will keep them safe or that teachers or police will keep them safe. Telling your child that nothing bad will happen to them contradicts reality and accidentally sends the message that things should always be safe and harm-free. Instead, tell them that their school is already as safe as it needs to be and ask them to imagine what they could do if a school shooter came to their school. Put the emphasis on showing how you accept the risks of living in the twenty-first century and believe that they will be able to cope with the unexpected should it happen.
- If they repeatedly ask you about shootings and you see that they are worrying, handle it this way. “Looks like you are worrying a lot. Me giving you reassurance is only going to make you worry more. Let’s talk about something else instead.”
- Expose your children to stories of heroism in which the central character experiences a random tragedy and overcomes that tragedy through their own pluck and grit, as opposed to having a wonderful teacher, therapist or coach who saves them from tragedy. This gives your child a role model to follow on how to think and respond to random tragedy.
- Help your child experience blended emotions by asking them to also take note of what is good in the world even though there are school shootings. Blended emotions is the emotionally mature state in which no one feeling dominates and inappropriately pulls coping out of balance. People who have blended emotions can temper their anxiety, grief, or sadness with other positive emotions. They can simultaneously feel sad and scared about a Michigan school shooting and excited about a friend’s birthday party. They can feel anger that school shootings still happen and feel proud about the test they just aced. They learn that life is always a mixture of experiences and that good is still present amidst the tragic. If they can do this, then they will be mentally well, indeed.
Dr. Karen Cassiday is the owner and managing director of The Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago. She is nationally recognized as an expert in the diagnosis and treatment of anxiety disorders in children, teens and adults.
