At CATCH’s February Lunch and Learn session, Dr. Andrea Goddard, PsyD, and Founder of Breakthrough Psychotherapy in Northfield, spoke about “Overparenting Unplugged: How to Let Kids Thrive.”
Dr. Goddard started the program by asking two questions:
- As kids, what did we (parents) do for fun?
- Responses included playing outside, riding bikes, walking to the store with friends, etc.
- What do our kids do for fun after school or on the weekends?
- Responses included organized sports, engaging with technology/social media, playing video games, participating in scheduled activities
When we (parents) were kids, our time was far less structured and provided many more opportunities for independent, free play. This gave us valuable opportunities to try new things, challenge ourselves, make mistakes, and learn to adapt and persevere.
For kids today, there is an overreliance on technology and social media and a tendency for parents to overschedule them with activities. As a result, kids don’t have time to be bored and discover ways to explore and practice being independent. This is causing them to lack the confidence and skills to thrive.
What Studies Show About Kids Today
Kids are struggling at school advocating for themselves and asking for help. Socially, they don’t understand how to interact with others and communicate effectively because of their overreliance on technology and social media, which leads them to feel isolated and suffer from low self-esteem. At home, they are withdrawn and show decreased enjoyment of family members and activities. Studies also show:
- Kids are more anxious, depressed and medicated;
- Suicide rates for kids and teens are up significantly;
- Reading and math skills are lower;
- Obesity rates are higher.
How Parents Can Help Their Kids Thrive
When kids are allowed to be independent, it develops “grit”, or resilience. They learn to try new things, make mistakes, ask for help, etc. It allows them to press on and overcome obstacles, rather than shut down. As a result, they can launch more successfully into the next stage of life.
Today’s lack of independence (due to overstructured schedules and the increased reliance on technology) is re-hardwiring kids’ brains. Kids are happier when they are allowed to be more independent, so parents need to:
- Resist the norms of modern parenting by allowing less structure, less parental input, more freedom, and more family connection.
- Tolerate kids feeling bored because boredom fosters creative thought and independence.
- Become okay with letting kids have more freedom (e.g., letting them ride their bike around the neighborhood unsupervised).
What You Can Do to Help: Validation
Validation is another term for understanding, and studies show that when people feel understood their biology changes. Validation reduces the fight (power struggle) or flight (withdrawing or shutting down) reaction and helps improve relationships, de-escalate conflict, and reduce intense emotions.
To provide validation, parents need to listen to what their kids are saying and try to understand their experiences without getting angry, jumping to conclusions or problem-solving.
By validating our kids’ thoughts, feelings, and actions, they feel understood and know that we care about them and are listening. Examples of validating statements include:
- “I can see how you would feel that way.”
- “I bet you’re frustrated.”
- “That must be really hard.”
When we invalidate our kids’ thoughts, feelings, and actions, it communicates that they are overreacting, irrational, or not worthy of our time or attention. Examples of invalidating statements include:
- “What’s the big deal?”
- “You’re being too sensitive.”
- “I don’t want to hear it.”
Validation does not necessarily mean that parents have to agree with their kids, or that parents can’t set limits or rules. But it does allow kids to communicate what they need and what interests/upsets/excites them. When parents validate what their kids are feeling and thinking, it gives kids the confidence to try new things, act independently, and build new skills and capabilities.
Additional Resources:
- Dr. Goddard’s List of “Pleasant Activities”
- The Anxious Generation, by Jonathan Haidt
- CATCH Anxious Generation Resources
- The Way of Play, by Tina Payne Bryson, PhD and Georgie Wisen-Vincent, LMFT, RPT-S
- Raising Parents with Emily Oster, podcast
- Podcast: The Importance of Risky Play
Watch the recording of this presentation on the CATCH YouTube channel.
