Dr. Ashley Leja, PhD, Clinical Psychologist, Chicago Neurodevelopmental Center in Northfield, IL, spoke at CATCH’s March Lunch & Learn program. Dr. Leja shared ways for parents to support their children through friendship struggles, using values as a foundation for support.
THE DNA-V MODEL
When our kids struggle socially, parents can use the DNA-V model to help them think through the issue and choose actions that align with their values. The DNA-V concept, developed by Louise Hayes and Joseph Ciarrochi, stands for Discoverer, Noticer, Advisor, and Values.
VALUES
- Activity: Think about someone you look up to. What attributes of that person do you admire? What type of parenting values do they demonstrate that you like? Are these values you would like to bring into your parenting? (Examples: Open, Encouraging, Curious, Supporting, Cooperative, Protective, etc.)
It’s important to keep your values in mind as you support your child through social challenges they may be facing. Model and discuss your values with your child and why they are important to you, and help your child connect their thoughts/feelings/actions to their values. (“I can see you are upset. That shows me that you care about this and it’s important to you.”) This can help kids understand that acting according to their values may lead to different decisions than their peers, especially if they don’t share the same values.
ADVISOR
The Advisor is another word for our own “self-talk”. It can be like an overly helpful friend with good intentions but may tend to go overboard, particularly when perceiving danger.
When our kids are struggling, we often start catastrophizing and may not show up as the parents we want to be. Kids may do the same thing, leading them to be reactive and impulsive instead of acting in alignment with their values. As the Advisor, our job is to be thoughtful about responding rather than immediately reacting.
- TOOL: Name the Story — Write down your thoughts about your child’s struggle and pay attention to what it feels like to get caught up in that story. Think about what would happen if you let your thoughts dictate your actions and then try to assign a name to that story (Example: ‘This is the “My Kid Will be Lonely Forever” story’). When you “name the story” and step back from it, you can get some perspective and then make a decision about whether or not to follow that story or use it as a way to do something that aligns with your values.
Consider whether or not your inner Advisor is being helpful – is it giving you good advice, or should you distance from it by ‘naming the story’? Alternatively, recognize that these are just thoughts you are having as a parent.
You can also use this concept with your child to help them sort through their ideas about the situation. For example: “You’re thinking that you won’t be able to make new friends. That’s a heavy thought. Is that thought useful? Does it help you decide what you want to do next?” Note: Don’t get caught up in a debate about whether your child’s inner Advisor is saying something true/false – it tends to make their feelings feel invalidated. Instead, focus on whether the thoughts are helpful or not.
NOTICER
Our child’s struggles can bring up our own emotions about a situation; as parents, we need to notice our emotions vs. our kid’s emotions.
- TOOL: Dropping Anchor – This is a strategy to keep ourselves steady and present so we can use our values to support and guide our children; it’s not trying to negate our feelings, but helping us decide how to respond to them. To “drop anchor”, follow the ACE Method:
- A: Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings
- C: Connect with your body
- E: Engage in what you’re doing
How to be the Noticer:
- Notice and name your own emotions — separate your feelings from your child’s feelings
- Drop anchor to steady yourself
- Promote noticing in your child – observe and validate their emotions; encourage them to notice how they are feeling
- Model staying present and being open to emotions Example: “Of course you’re feeling upset. That’s really natural.”
- If you aren’t alarmed by intense emotions and can talk about your own intense emotions, it models for your child that it’s okay to have those feelings and then choose how to deal with them. Example: “I’m nervous about my work presentation, so I’m going to get some water and take a few deep breaths.”
DISCOVERER
The Discoverer is the part of us that acts in the world, makes mistakes, and learns by trial and error – this is how we experience our lives.
- TOOL: Assess workability –This is a strategy to assess how you have parented your child when he/she has faced a challenging problem:
- What did I do?
- How did it go?
- Was it aligned with my values?
- Did that action reflect the kind of parent that you want to be?
Parents often think things only work out if they get the exact outcome they want, but in reality, you can only choose actions and support your kids in ways that align with your values. For example, you can’t base your workability assessment on whether you were able to make your child make new friends. But you can focus on ‘am I showing up as the parent I want to be and improving my relationship with my kid?’
How to be a Discoverer:
- Think about what has worked in the past when you have tried to help your child with a problem. Did it help or not?
- Promote Discoverer language with your child – “What do you think you want to do? Are there other ways to try to solve this?”
- Allow room for your child to develop their own ideas about how to move forward – “Do you want my help or do you just want to vent?” Letting them resolve their problems helps them build confidence.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
- Define the problem clearly
- Use DNA – V to think through what typically happens
- Shift to Noticer – think about how you are feeling vs. how your child is feeling
- Shift to Discoverer – consider actions you might take
- Shift to Advisor – judge the pros/cons of actions you might take
- Choose an Action – does it align with your values?
- Notice what might result
- Anticipate problems and take action
RESOURCES
- https://dnav.international
- What Makes You Stronger, by Louise L. Hayes, Joseph V. Ciarrochi, Ann Bailey
- Your Life, Your Way, by Joseph V. Ciarrochi, Louise L. Hayes
Watch the recording of this presentation on the CATCH YouTube channel.
