Sticker charts and timeouts are not the only responses to a child’s concerning behavior, and Dr. Ross Greene, best-selling author and psychologist, says that while those strategies of rewards and consequences aim to change the behavior, they miss a key step in caring for children.
“We’re not identifying and solving the problems that are causing those behaviors,” he said, during a CATCH webinar: Enough with the Consequences (5/4/21). Instead, rewards and punishments address a child’s motivation. Dr. Greene went on to point out that almost all children want to do well and meet expectations. When they don’t, it’s because they can’t, so addressing motivation will never work. This is a huge paradigm shift for most of us!
During his presentation, Dr. Greene explained his research and Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model which encourages parents, teachers, and caregivers to shift the focus from power and control to collaboration and problem solving. “When you’re busy solving the problems that are causing those behaviors, not only do the problems get solved, but the behaviors that were being caused by the problems subside,” he said.
Behaviors are signals, and in the case of a concerning behavior, it’s an indication that a child is having difficulty meeting an expectation, also known as the unsolved problem. It’s the root of all concerning behavior, said Dr. Greene, advising adults to take a proactive approach to deal with the situation rather than reacting in the heat of the moment.
Where do you start? Dr. Greene’s nonprofit, Lives in the Balance, offers a treasure trove of resources focused on his model, including the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP). It guides adults in identifying a child’s lagging skills (i.e., difficulty maintaining focus, difficulty expressing concerns, and difficulty appreciating how his/her behavior is affecting others).
Watch this video on how to use the ALSUP.
What’s next? Develop a problem-solving plan based on three options.
Option A: Adults solve the problem unilaterally. Dr. Greene highly discourages this option, explaining it’s focused on power and causes conflict. However, you may turn to this plan if your child is, for example, about to dart in front of a speeding car in a parking lot. In that case, of course, you should grab them and pull them to safety. If this behavior happens time and time again, then Option B may help you deal with this situation by problem solving when you and your child are out of harm’s way.
Option B: Solve the problem collaboratively following these three steps:
- Empathy: Gather information from the child to find out what’s making it difficult for them to meet the expectation. Without this information, the child’s concerns will not get addressed. Use this drilling cheat sheet to collect information from the child.
- Define Adult Concerns: Explain your concern and why it’s important. For instance, is there a health, safety, or learning issue?
- Invitation: Collaborate on a solution that’s realistic and mutually satisfactory.
If you go through all of these steps, and the solution doesn’t work, then try again. It may take trial and error to discover an approach that is acceptable to everyone.
This Problem Solving Plan will help you keep track of your goals and your progress.
Option C: Set the problem aside for now. It doesn’t mean you are giving up; rather you prioritize the problems you’re facing. Dr. Greene recommends taking on no more than three problems at a time. If you work on too many, none will get solved. When you put a problem on the back burner, do the same for the expectation. You will get to it eventually.
If you follow the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model and solve problems collaboratively and proactively, Dr. Greene says not only will you engage your child in the process of solving problems that affect their lives, but you will also enhance many of the critical life skills. “Collaboration brings people together, solves problems, reduces the concerning behaviors that were associated with those problems, enhances the very skills that kid was lacking, improves communication, and improves relationships,” he said.
Learn more about Dr. Greene and the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model at livesinthebalance.org and check out this FAQ which further explains these strategies.
