We’ve all been there. “I should drag my entire family to a holiday party even though my kids are exhausted.” “I should serve a homemade gourmet spread when my in-laws come over.” Should you? Really? In this guest essay, Julie Gold, LCSW, Gold Counseling Services, writes about the dangers of shoulds and how to counter them.
The Holidays are here! Whether you are someone who is excited about this season or dreading it, I assure you that you are not alone. Like with anything else, there is a broad continuum of how people and their families may be feeling about the holidays this year, and the season can be stressful.
At this time last year, many families decided to forego their traditional holiday celebrations and travel plans as COVID numbers rose and vaccinations were not yet available. Others gathered together, but things may have looked a bit different. A year later, vaccinations are widely available, including now for children older than age 5, and that has changed the landscape for many families in terms of their level of comfort and safety.
However, one of the valuable things the last 18 months has provided for many is an opportunity to take a step back, slow down, decide what is most important, and have a fresh perspective. This holiday season offers us another opportunity to evaluate what we want it to look like and how best to manage through it.
When I think about the stressors that the holidays and family can bring, many of them fall under the umbrella of tradition and the way we think things “should” be. Who hosts, who is invited, what is served, and how busy the calendar becomes are often dictated by the way things have been in the past or by our ideal of how we want things to be. I often talk with my clients about the dangers of the word “should;” “should” is often about the external expectations imposed upon us and the things we do to please others. When those external expectations don’t align with how we feel on the inside – with what we feel is best for ourselves or our family – it can create anxiety, guilt, disappointment, and stress.
What to do? Some questions you may want to ask yourself are:
“What is most important to me/my family during the holidays this year? Quiet time at home? Gathering with friends or family we couldn’t be with last year? Old traditions? Creating new traditions?”
“What will help set my children up for success? What do we need to plan for in order to get through a gathering that may be overstimulating or otherwise stressful?” Whether it’s activities for comfort and soothing or a clear exit strategy, having a plan with your kids in advance can decrease the parenting stress you may feel in anticipation of the event. For some kids, it may also mean protecting down time before and after a holiday event so that they can decompress and not be overscheduled.
“What am I comfortable with?” Whether you’re faced with a COVID-related decision involving masks, vaccination status, gathering size or whether you have the energy to navigate a social event you were invited to attend when you’d rather curl up on the couch and not talk to anyone, pausing to ask yourself what you’re comfortable with and listening to your gut will help you make thoughtful decisions that are best for you/your family.
Remembering that you always have choices and factoring in your mental health in those choices will help you navigate stressful times. At the end of the day, you can’t control if someone else has a reaction to something you do or say during the holiday season nor at any other time of year. But if you do your best to make decisions based on what you feel is best for yourself and your family and resist temptation to listen to the voice of “should,” then you’re helping to set yourself up for success to have a joyous holiday season.
Julie Gold, LCSW, is a Clinical Social Worker, a mother of two, and owner of Gold Counseling Services, P.C. in Northbrook. She has been working with children, adolescents, adults, and families for more than 20 years.
This essay is part of a CATCH series on Holidays, Family, and Mental Health. Read a Parent’s Perspective and find out why she turned to mac and cheese when she needed it most.
