Mom of two young adults (19 and 23 years-old)
When I was growing up, the rule in my house was “If you are too sick to go to school, you’re too sick for activities”. It’s a rule that made sense and prevented false sick claims to get out of going to school. I adopted the same rule when I became a parent.
Honestly, I never gave it much thought.
Fast forward ten years. A friend’s daughter had some serious health issues, complicated by anxiety. To be honest, I really had no idea what that meant, what that looked like for my friend’s daughter, or how it played out in their house. From the outside, I saw her daughter skipping school but still going to activities.
It seemed “wrong” to me, like she was taking advantage of her mom. I tried not to be judgmental (still a work in progress!), but it seemed clear my friend was struggling to hold boundaries.
I now realize I was seeing the situation through the privileged lens of parenting a neurotypical child.
Fast forward another few years and there I sat, my own child deeply depressed and anxious (with no compounding health issues), refusing to go to school, barely able to complete 30 minutes of homework when in the past she did hours a night- whatever was required.
From that vantage point, I could finally see what I’d missed before; that when your child is struggling with mental illness, wanting to see a friend or join an activity, even on a day they can’t face school, is actually a win. Because when they want to see a friend, that means they are feeling well enough to do that, they are feeling strong enough/confident enough to leave their safe home base.
While my parents’ rule of no school = no activities worked for our neurotypical family, it doesn’t fit all families, especially those navigating depression or anxiety.
Now I try to look through a new lens: “What else might be true?”
This is the lens I use when I see people making parenting choices that go against the grain of what “good parents” do.
For example, when I see a family at dinner and their kids are all on devices, my first thought might be, “Why are they allowing that? Shouldn’t they be talking?” Then I pause and ask, “What else might be true?” Perhaps this is the first time one of those children has been able to be in a restaurant in weeks (or years), perhaps those iPads make it possible for there to be calm in an otherwise stormy household, or perhaps the moment of quiet at a restaurant (not having to cook and clean the kitchen) is the thing that will keep those parents afloat for the next week.
And perhaps it’s not even my place to wonder what’s happening at the next table. I can assume they’re doing the best they can just like me.
What I now know is that my friend’s daughter was struggling not just with physical and mental illness, but also working really hard to appear “normal”, especially to her friends and peers by attending some activities or hanging out with them occasionally.
Her mom’s compassion probably made that much easier and helped her daughter do the best she could in that moment.
Parenting has a way of humbling us. The more I learn, the more I ask myself, “What else might be true?”
In Real Life is an essay series from CATCH in which people tell their stories in hopes others will find comfort in their experiences. Learn more.
