As our Northbrook community mourns the loss of a beloved Glenbrook North High School graduate, we turned to our friends at Family Service Center for advice on grief and loss. Following are comforting words from Robin Lake, LCSW, on how to cope with our own feelings and how to help others with their emotions.
It’s hard to know what to do and what to say when someone dies; death is always a surprise and a painful reminder of our own mortality. When a young person dies, it’s also a reminder that life really doesn’t go according to our plans, it can be unpredictable, unfair, and make no sense. Trying to find meaning or make peace with this can seem impossible.
Grief follows no rules. We don’t have to be closely connected to someone to feel deeply about their death. Regardless of your relationship to the person who died, you may notice thoughts and feelings that can be called grief. Additionally, grief about one death may bring to mind thoughts and feelings of other losses and intensify your feelings. Sadness is the most obvious response to a loss, but people also feel worried, angry, scared, frustrated, cynical, and numb.
Grief does not have a schedule. The intensity and frequency of thoughts and feelings related to a death will change over time. Therefore, a person who doesn’t want to talk about it today may really need to talk about it a week from now. It helps to notice the thoughts and feelings and, as much as possible, allow space for them and express them.
Feelings, reactions, and thoughts about grief are painful, but not dangerous. Our body’s primary response to pain and distress is to activate our flight/fight/freeze part of the nervous system. This response is helpful when we are in danger, but it is not helpful when the pain and distress come from a tragedy, something that cannot be fought or fled and is not a threat to our physical safety. We can turn off this nervous system response by increasing our awareness of safety in the moment. We may try breathing slowly, noticing sounds and sights where we are, feeling the floor, feeling the texture of our clothes, or taking a drink of water. Anything that cues our brains and helps us remember that we are not in danger can calm this stress response.
How do you help someone who is grieving? We often want to do something, but grief is not really about doing, it’s about feeling and being with someone as they grieve. There are no magic words to offer. It’s not necessary and it’s usually not helpful to try saying something that makes someone feel better. We are better off validating someone’s feelings, responding with expressions of compassion (This is really hard. You’re not alone. It’s ok. I feel that as well.), spending time, and addressing basic needs (Have you eaten today? Can I bring you some water? Are you sleeping ok?) Sometimes people will want to talk, sometimes they will not, and showing compassion for this inconsistency also makes a difference.
Talking with a therapist or grief counselor is a good step. We usually don’t talk about grief in casual conversation, so having some time and freedom to talk about how grief is affecting you can provide tremendous benefits.
“The heart always surprises. It’s more willing to crack open than we expect it to be. And what floods in is never under our control. We feel isolated in our emotions until someone else listens and says, “Me too.”
-Patti Davis, The River of Memory
Thank you Robin Lake, MA, LCSW, Family Service Center, for sharing your expertise.
