Watch Clip: Greenhouse Parenting
Read Transcript: Greenhouse Parenting
Watch Clip: 3 Steps to Help Failing Kids
Read Transcript: 3 Steps to Help Failing Kids
Although it’s tempting to rescue our children from setbacks and failures, author and speaker Michelle Icard, author of 8 Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen and Middle School Makeover, advises parents to step back and let kids learn from these challenges. She shared her thoughts during a CATCH presentation on January 30, 2024, at Northbrook United Methodist Church.
How Parents React to Failure Matters
Impression Management is based on the concept that we are always trying to manage the impression we make on people, and that we adjust our behavior based on the reactions we receive from others. Using this process helps us to figure out who we are.
When it comes to failure, our reactions tend to stick with people, particularly when it comes to our teens/tweens. Because children often translate parents’ reactions into who they are (“I’m not good at school” or “I’m bad at making friends”) how parents respond when a child is struggling or failing can determine whether they learn from their mistakes or get “stuck”.
A New Approach: Greenhouse Parenting
Greenhouse keepers create a nurturing environment for young plants to grow and develop and then bring them out into the elements for periods of time to experience the harsh realities of wind, cold, snow, etc. The keepers then bring the plants back inside to recuperate and get stronger because of their exposure to the elements.
We can mimic this model as parents by sending our teens/tweens out into the world to experience challenges — make mistakes, fail, do things that make them feel guilty or embarrassed – so they can learn from them. Then, they return to a warm, nurturing home environment to recover and build strength. While many parents say that they want their kids to have an “easy” time moving through adolescence, it’s better for them to have an “uncomfortable” time; by having to face challenges and address them, they will grow and develop into adults who can successfully cope with failures and setbacks.
What Failure or Success Looks Like in Children
FAILURE:
- Feeling unmoored/unattached
- Feeling unaccepted
- Feeling incapable
- Questioning self-worth
SUCCESS:
- Personal fulfillment
- Developing competency in an area of interest
- Finding a community to participate in and where they feel they can bring value (For example: a team, club, church, family, etc.)
Common Types of Teen/Tween Failures
The following types of failure experiences are the most common, but these issues can be fluid and change throughout adolescence.
- The Rebel – failure to follow the rules
- The Daredevil – failure to take care of their body
- The Misfit – failure to achieve academically
- The Ego – failure to show concern for others
- The Loner – failure to connect with their peers
- The Sensitive One – failure to handle their feelings
- The Black Sheep – failure to connect with their family
- The Benchwarmer – failure to believe in themselves
How to Help Your Child from Getting “Stuck”
As parents, when we see our kids struggling or failing, we tend to react in one of the following ways: Fight (talking to the coach), Flight (moving the kid to a different team), Freeze (do nothing) or Fawn (bringing cookies to the team). Although these can be useful reactions in some situations, the 3-step approach is more effective.
The 3-Step Approach if Your Child is Failing:
1. Contain: Contain the child or the problem. (For example: If your teen/tween is “the daredevil” and putting themselves at risk, you may need to contain them physically; if your kid is “the loner”, you may need to contain the technology.)
2. Resolve: The child must take some action to get through this challenge. (For example: Write a letter of apology, talk to the teacher, address the problem, etc.) This helps them learn how to face problems so they can deal with future setbacks or failures that may be uncomfortable or difficult.
3. Evolve: Move past the issue. You can say this inwardly to yourself and/or directly to your child – “This is in the past and we are moving forward.” (It’s important to note that checking in with your teen/tween constantly about a past failure is exhausting to them and diminishes their confidence.)
The lessons from these experiences can be painful, but they are also valuable to teens/tweens’ growth as they transition into adulthood. By working through these uncomfortable experiences, they can get to an “easier” path in life.
Ways to Support Parents Whose Children are Struggling with Failure:
- Offer to take a walk and just listen to them/let them vent.
- Promise to be a vault. If they tell you details, keep them to yourself unless you have permission to share.
- Take a chore off their list (grocery run, walk the dog) to lighten their load.
- Offer to talk with the child – don’t push, but offer once.
- Help them find their whisper network of parents who’ve had similar experiences.
- Say explicity, ‘I would never judge you or your child. This is a normal part of growing up.’
For More Information about Michelle Icard
- Contact Michelle at: hello@michelleicard.com
- Visit her website at: www.michelleicard.com
- Follow Michelle on Instagram or Facebook
- Join her private Facebook group, Less Stressed Middle School Parents (also relevant for high school parents)
Watch Clip: Greenhouse Parenting
Read Transcript: Greenhouse Parenting
Watch Clip: 3 Steps to Help Failing Kids
Read Transcript: 3 Steps to Help Failing Kids
Michelle Icard is a guest and writer for the Today Show, NBC, CNN, The Washington Post and other national media outlets. She lives in Charlotte, North Carolina with her husband and is the mother of two children.
