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Many people are unwilling to talk about mental health, depression, and suicide, but open conversations about such difficult topics are key to supporting our teens, especially during a pandemic.
“Talking about suicide with teens does not increase the risk of them completing suicide,” said Erica Leibrandt, LCPC, RYT, Sound Mind Counseling, during the CATCH presentation: Healing and Understanding After Suicide (1/17/2021) following the death by suicide of a Glenbrook North High School Senior.
“The vast majority of us have had moments when we thought it would just be easier not to be here,” Leibrandt said, adding, “If we can convey that normalcy of thinking to our teens, that goes a long way to helping them feel understood, not marginalized, and getting them out of hiding.”
Leibrandt began advocating for adolescents and suicide awareness and prevention after her 16-year-old son tragically took his life in 2004. During the program, she encouraged parents to watch for symptoms of depression and work on maintaining an open dialogue with their teens.
If you witness five or more of these Symptoms of Depression in your child during a two week period, you should seek further evaluation for your teen:
- Hopeless outlook
- Loss of interest
- Increased fatigue or sleep problems
- Anxiety
- Irritability
- Changes in appetite or weight
- Uncontrollable emotions
- Suicidal ideation
When you approach your child to talk about how they are feeling, Leibrandt said it’s crucial not to transfer your own feelings onto your child. “You can not allow yourself to get overly emotional because then your child does not feel like they can trust you. If you are getting emotional, they can’t be emotional,” she said. Keep your emotions in check by:
- Connecting to your own breath
- Focusing on details of your child
- Feel in your own body where the tension seems to manifest
“If all of that seems impossible, that’s a decent sign that you are in over your head,” said Leibrandt, suggesting you consider getting support for yourself to promote the overall health of your family.
Drawing on the lessons of the book, De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less by Douglas E. Knoll, Leibrandt outlined a three-step ice breaker to help open the lines of communication with your teen.
1. Make an Observation: You seem/I feel like you’re…
- Super stressed out lately
- Really exhausted this week
- Not having much fun
- Pretty down on yourself
- Struggling with something
- Not sleeping as well as you usually do
2. Ask an open question which is difficult to answer with a yes/no
- I wonder if there’s something I can do to help?
- Is it something at school or is it something with friends?
- Is there something going on?
- What’s your biggest problem right now?
- How are you feeling about life in general?
- Is there one issue you wish would just disappear?
Even if your teen doesn’t answer you right away, delivering the message that you are listening is what matters.
3. Reflect your child’s feelings: It seems like you’re really…
- Sad
- Frustrated
- Stressed
- Pissed off
- Exhausted
- Down
As soon as you hit the right emotion, you’ll see a change in your child, either in their facial expression or their body language, which lets you know they’ve felt heard. “The two of you are in emotional alignment in that moment. This is incredibly powerful and important,” said Leibrandt.
If your child does open up and share their troubles, Leibrandt reminded parents: it’s not your job to solve the problem. “All you have to do is reflect their feelings. The conversation is not about changing circumstances. It’s about connecting to your child’s feelings and being aligned with them,” she said.
If you are deeply concerned about your child’s mental health, it’s important to know that all suicidal thinking is not created equal. When someone is experiencing passive suicidal ideation, they typically do not have a plan of action to end their life. Active suicidal ideation includes thoughts of self harm and a plan to complete suicide.
Developing a low-key communication style with your child can help you determine the seriousness of their situation.
If you decide outside support is necessary, getting your child on board with the plan may not be easy. Leibrandt suggested parents engage in subtle negotiation with their child. She offered these ice breakers:
- It seems like you could use an extra person to bounce stuff off of. Have you ever thought about therapy? Does it seem scary/weird/stupid?
- I wonder if seeing someone a few times might help? Do you think you might consider it? Does that sound annoying?
- You’ve been feeling down for a while. If you feel bad in a week or so, can we revisit this? Does that seem reasonable?
Let your teen know they will have a voice in the process, and if the first therapist isn’t a great match, try another. “If I had done that, that very well could have been the variable that changed the outcome of my son’s life. And that’s the truth. This might be the most important thing I say tonight,” Leibrandt said.
Leibrandt also offered advice on how to help families suffering from loss due to suicide:
- Offer practical help
- Bring up any memories of their loved one, either first or second hand – gives a gift by helping them to continue their relationship with the person they lost
- Offer resources
- Remember anniversaries
- Anything you do is better than nothing
If your child is the person mourning the loss, focus on your child’s emotions. Acknowledge the difficulty of losing a friend. Sit with your teen, let them feel their feelings, and give them the space to cry. Ask: What are you most sad about? Do you have anyone you can talk to? Or, do you feel like you have to hold it all inside of you?
In closing, Leibrandt offered hope stating that mental health shifts and changes. You can heal from mental illness or learn tools to navigate it successfully. There are concrete things that can help kids feel better.
View the slides from this presentation.
Resources:
Finding a therapist: Psychology Today
National Institute of Mental Health
Willow House:
Catholic Charities
Elyssa’s Mission
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: Out of the Darkness
The Josselyn Center
JCFS Suicide Prevention & Support
