How To Find Joy With Your Kids When They Aren’t So Enjoyable

Watch Video

Read Transcript

Introduction

Susan Millner, a licensed clinical social worker and parent of four children with disabilities, shares practical strategies for finding joy in parenting during challenging moments. The discussion revolves around understanding triggers, proactive planning, and emotional regulation for both parents and children.

Key Takeaways

1. Define Joy and Identify Triggers
   • Joy is linked to feelings of success and alignment with personal values.
   • Non-joyful moments often arise from stress, rushing, fatigue, or unmet needs.
2. The “Battery” Metaphor
   • Parents and children have emotional “batteries” that deplete due to stress, lack of sleep, or daily demands.
   • Regular self-care (even small acts like deep breathing or using scented lotion) helps keep the battery charged.
3. Proactive Strategies for Success
   • Prepare for known triggers (e.g., morning chaos) by planning ahead (e.g., laying out clothes, waking up earlier).
   • Use tools like humor (“It’s Corn” song), “restart” moments, or incentives (e.g., Starbucks runs) to reset tense situations.
4. Behavior as Communication
   • Children’s challenging behaviors often signal unmet needs or dysregulation.
   • Respond with empathy and problem-solving rather than punishment (e.g., “How can we work together to fix this?”).
5. Parenting Aligned with Values
   • Reflect on core family values (e.g., patience, connection) to guide reactions.
   • Flexibility is key—adjust expectations based on circumstances (e.g., a chaotic morning may require shortcuts).
6. Handling Teenagers
   • Respect their developmental need for independence while maintaining connection through small gestures (e.g., making their lunch).
   • Validate their feelings and collaborate on solutions (e.g., negotiating car privileges after a missed curfew).
7. Holidays and Special Occasions
   • Prioritize realistic, joyful moments over idealized expectations.
   • Compromise (e.g., arriving late/leaving early) to balance family traditions with a child’s needs.
8. Self-Compassion
   • Catastrophizing escalates stress; pause to ask, “Will this matter in a year?”
   • Model emotional regulation by taking breaks when overwhelmed.

Q&A Highlights

Behavior & Discipline

• “Rewarding bad behavior?”
  • Starbucks trip was strategic:
    ✅ Met a behavioral demand (“Get in the car by 7:20”).
    ✅ Used temperature change (cold drinks) to regulate emotions (DBT hack).
    ✅ Aligned with values (“Prioritized calm over punishment”).
• “ADHD forgetfulness vs. defiance?”
  • Distinguish intent (laziness) from symptom (executive dysfunction).
  • Fix: Co-create systems (e.g., checklist by the door).

Teens & Connection

• “Teen gives one-word answers!”
  • Swap interrogation (“How was school?”) with low-pressure statements (“Your lunch is in the fridge”).
  • Key: Connection > conversation.
• “Teen overwhelmed by social media?”
  • Let them blame you (“Mom said I have to log off”) to save face with peers.

Parental Triggers

• “I lose my cool too!”
  • Pause: “I need a minute” → return when calm.
  • Ask: “Is this about my child or my own fears?”

Tools & Strategies

• “What’s a ‘restart’?”
  • For kids: “Let’s all pause and try again in 5 minutes.”
  • For teens: Humor (“Good morning! Take two!”).

Self-Care & Guilt

• “Guilty leaving my introverted teen home?”
  • Their need: Solo recharge time.
  • Your need: Social time to refill your battery.

Holidays & Sensitive Kids

• “Holiday meltdowns?”
  • Prep: “It’ll be loud—we can take breaks.”
  • Compromise: Attend but leave early.

Concluding Thoughts

Parenting is imperfect, and joy often comes from small, intentional moments. By focusing on preparation, self-care, and values, families can navigate challenges more peacefully.

Key Message

Good enough parenting beats perfect parenting. Repair = reconnect.

Resources

Watch the recording of this presentation on the CATCH YouTube channel.

Read the transcript from this presentation.