By a Recent High School Graduate
Mental health is important to me because I have learned that through tribulation, adversity, and immense distress, I can become the best possible version of myself.
When I was younger and still trying to figure out who I was and who I thought I was meant to be, I lost track of the person I already was and the traits I already had. I was still a child when my struggles began, with an unworldly view of life. I thought society and loved ones were the people who could tell me how to live my life, who to be, what to do, where to go, and who to interact with.
I never imagined that life could feel so fragile at such a young age because of an eating disorder, or that the unpredictability and ambiguity of OCD would later consume so much of my life. When I was first hospitalized for my eating disorder, I felt like my life was already over. I believed I had lost any chance at the future I wanted.
What saved me during residential treatment was my friends. We were all broken in different ways, but somehow we had the power to help heal each other. We spent long days entertaining ourselves with chess, word searches, arts and crafts, and the schoolwork they gave us to do. While we did nothing and everything together, we helped the puzzle pieces of our lives begin to fall back into place.
There is a certain beauty in how we were all brought together in such a difficult situation, yet were able to make it one of the most memorable and meaningful times of our lives. It sounds sad, and in some ways it was, but together we learned how to be a family. When I left a couple of months later, I was able to continue on a steadier path because I had found purpose in my life again. Only months before, I had felt done with life. When I left, I had energy, hope, and a reason to keep going.
Later, I began experiencing symptoms of OCD. The disorder took away my ability to think clearly for myself and act in the ways I wanted to. It made me perform excessive, time-consuming rituals and made me feel embarrassed around others because I was afraid they would see me struggle.
OCD brought me back to the same disastrous state of mind I had experienced when my eating disorder was at its lowest. It felt like my life was dissolving in front of me again. At one point, my parents considered pulling me out of school because I was struggling so much to concentrate and function. Then the world changed (Covid), and everything slowed down.
For a lot of people, that time brought boredom, isolation, and loss. For me, it gave me the space I needed to focus on my well-being, therapy, friendships from afar, and peace. Something about the quiet and freedom of that time gave me clarity.
I am nothing without my past. I would not change it because I have lived through some of the most insightful and most miserable moments of my life, and they have shaped me into who I am. Maybe I still do not fully know who I am, but I do know who I want to be.
I want to be someone who helps people. I want to be a source of comfort for others. A cushion against a hard surface.
Mental health has given me knowledge that comes from experience and strength I never knew was possible. It gave me security. It taught me that I can get through anything, do anything, be anything, and see anything through because of the people I have by my side.
Struggle is inevitable, but community can be a certainty.
Because of my experiences with mental health, one of the few things I know for sure about my future is that I want to help people who find themselves in the same position I once was.
Living with an eating disorder or OCD can feel isolating, but no one has to navigate it alone. CATCH offers resources to help our community better understand these experiences and support those who are struggling.
