A mom parenting a young adult with mental illness
Parents know: You drive the carpool. You drive your kid to any activity you can for as long as you can, because the car is usually where the magic happens. They share their joys, their worries. It feels safe.
I learned last weekend that the car is still “the place” when you’re parenting young adults. The scene: I was driving, my husband was in the front passenger seat, and my 24-year-old was in the back. We were headed home from a weekend away when, from the back seat, came:
“When you get a chance, I’d like to talk to you about something.”
A few minutes later, I opened the door to the conversation. “What do you want to talk about, buddy?”
“I told my therapist yesterday. I just texted my psychiatrist. I went off my meds a couple of weeks ago.”
EXCUSE ME!! WHAT? You have a mental illness that requires medication to manage. Nonnegotiable. You need your meds to help prevent another manic episode. The last one was last fall. Does that mean every fall is going to bring another one? Is this the first sign? I can’t do that again. Not so soon. Is this the second or third time you’ve gone off your meds in 10 years? I know for sure two times. I think three. Is that telling us something? How stupid am I? You’ve been avoiding setting up an appointment with your psychiatrist. I KNOW avoidance means you’re afraid to engage. I am so STUPID. WHEN am I going to learn?
I TELL MYSELF TO THROTTLE DOWN. Shift into neutral. Respond. Do not react. He needs to work with his care team on what happens next. If you lose your shit, he may not come to you next time.
“Okay. First, thank you for feeling safe enough to tell us. Can I ask a couple of questions?”
“Sure.”
Think. You can probably ask two questions right now. Which two?
“I’m curious as to how and why?”
“I missed a couple of days, and then I noticed I had more energy and the suicidal ideation had stopped. So I just stopped taking them.”
“What’s your next step?”
“I’ll talk to the doctor and see what he wants me to do.”
“Again, I really appreciate that you felt safe enough to tell us. Here are my concerns. First, we’ve been told that some of your medications need to be tapered rather than stopped suddenly. I’m scared about the risks of going off them this way.”
“Second, some of your medications help reduce the risk of a manic episode. When you’ve had manic episodes before, you’ve allowed me to help manage your medications while you got stable again. I worry that if you’re not taking anything and another episode begins, you might not let me help in that way.”
Okay. My conversation window is closed. And now I have five hours in the car with my thoughts. You were just feeling good about life. That’ll teach you. As we drive, more questions join the mental list. When can I ask each one? Okay, that one tomorrow, on the way to his other doctor’s appointment. That one after he sees his psychiatrist. Not now. Not all at once.
I TELL MYSELF TO THROTTLE IN NEUTRAL: Keep the panic and dread inside. Respond. Do not react. I need to be methodical, patient, and laser-focused on the goal: that he and his care team make a plan to manage his illness safely.
This is the life of a mom supporting a young adult as he lives the beautiful life he has earned while managing a mental illness.
This is why the exhaustion never ends.
