CATCH’s May Lunch and Learn program featured Harlan Cohen, college success coach, NY Times bestselling author, and speaker. Cohen’s discussion focused on “5 Simple Rules for High School & College Parents” as they prepare for the transition from high school to college.
Reminders About the College Application Process:
- Encourage your child to think about why they want to go to a particular school. With the number of applications up, and the number of acceptances down, it means there are a lot of rejections. Remind your child that rejection is a normal and universal part of life and encourage them to apply to (3) “dream schools” so they can be in charge of their own dream.
- College is a business; try to separate the business of applying to (and financing) college from the emotion to make it a less stressful process.
- Redefine what ‘success’ looks like – remind your child that where they GO is not who they are going to BE. In other words, it’s not WHERE you go to school, it’s what you DO when you’re there. They can learn from any experience – even difficult ones — and studies show that students who know how to struggle are often mentors and role models for others.
- College planning in high school is all about the search and selection process, but parents also need to help students focus on the transition to college.
Rules for Helping Students Transition to College:
Rule #1: Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Transitions are hard and can be messy and difficult. To help with the transition to college, students need to find their People, Places and Patience (i.e., give it time).
Types of challenges your child may struggle with include: Social, Emotional, Physical, Financial and Academic – encourage them to seek out people who have struggled with these transitions and find out how they overcame them.
Two Kinds of People:
- People who fight the uncomfortable are looking to hate, hide or attack. They tend to blame anyone or anything for the things that make them uncomfortable. These children tend to be unhappy and difficult to communicate with.
- People who face the uncomfortable acknowledge the truth and seek to find answers. They are open to feedback, guidance and support. These children are willing to look inward, look outward and grow.
As parents, remember that “uncomfortable” is not an emergency; it’s a part of life. Parents need to be the steady support while children learn to deal with the uncomfortable.
[NOTE: If your child struggles with anxiety or depression, it is important to have a mental health transition plan and resources in place at college. As part of preparing for college, encourage your child to practice managing their anxiety using different tools while still at home so they are better prepared to cope when they are away at school.]
Rule #2: Don’t Panic – Think People, Places, Patience
Encourage your student to find the following at college:
- People: Find their 5 people (Look in classes, activities, clubs, etc.)
- Places: Find their 3 places (Look in dorm, hobbies, activities, clubs, etc.)
- Patience: Give it a couple of semesters – transitions take time
Rule #3: Their Struggles Belong to Them… Their Victories Belong to You
Encourage your student to practice advocating, communicating, and navigating through challenges.
To do this, have your child write or tell their story as if they have met all their goals for the first semester – what does that look like? How did they get there?
Rule #4: Apply the 24-Hour Rule
Give problems 24 hours to settle and breathe. In that time, your student will have either (a) done nothing, (b) solved the problem or (c) the problem will have evolved into something new to solve.
Rule #5: Practice Asking the Question, “What Do You Think You Should Do?”
Follow up with, “Are you looking to vent or do you want advice?”
If they do want advice, help them think through where are the Places to get help; who are the People who can help; how much Patience (time) will it take to solve this?
RESOURCES:
- Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania by Frank Bruni
- The Naked Roommate – And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College by Harlan Cohen
- The Naked Roommate for Parents Only – A Parent’s Guide to the New College Experience by Harlan Cohen
- Win or Learn: The Naked Truth about Turning Every Rejection into Your Ultimate Success by Harlan Cohen
- The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt
- 7 Steps to College Success: A Pathway for Students With Disabilities by Elizabeth C. Hamblet
- College Essay Essentials: A Step-by-Step Guide to Writing a Successful College Admissions Essay by Ethan Sawyer
- Who Gets In and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions by Jeffrey Selingo
- Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace
- Best First Year Live: Group Coaching and Q&A with Harlan Cohen
You can review the slides of Harlan Cohen’s presentation here.
